


Hidan gets blown to pieces while everyone he's killed become zombies

by Frostberry



Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [11]
Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto
Genre: Gen, geez deidara is a cunt for wanting two hundred bucks, haha look whos back, hahahZOMBIES, what dickheads they all are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2020-03-02 07:58:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18806989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Yet another segment in Hidan and Kakuzu are very Australian dickheads. In this gut wrenching bloody segment, Hidan goes missing and everyone he has killed has mysteriously become alive. It's now up to his stupid fucking husband Kakuzu to figure out the mystery.





	1. Kakuzu's a dickhead, jesus fucking christ

Kakuzu hadn’t seen Hidan for a few months. He didn’t really care, because he had a life - this life included exciting things such as going to work, walking his dog, reading a book then going to sleep. Such an exciting life to have.

He didn’t realise Hidan was actually _missing,_ was when he asked Deidara to look after his dog for the weekend. Deidara then mentioned that Hidan left in September; It was now December, and maybe it was time for Kakuzu to find out where his stupid fucking husband was.

Kakuzu merely sighed, and handed the leash and some dog food over to Deidara. “I don’t know where he is.”

“His passport is here, but his wallet isn’t,” said Deidara. “The last thing he ate was Dominos and now there’s ants all in the lounge room. Tell him to come back. He needs to clean it up, yeah.” 

“It’s your place, you tell him.”

“He didn’t take his phone with him, it’s still on the coffee table.” said Deidara. 

“Since when did you care about Hidan being at your place?”

“Since there’s ants in the lounge room, yeah!”

Kakuzu wanted to close the door in Deidara’s face, but because he was paying him $200.00 to look after Taki for a few days, so he decided not to. 

“No tip, yeah?” Deidara said as Kakuzu got his own wallet out, giving him two green notes.

“This is Australia, not America,” Kakuzu deadpanned. “We don’t tip.”

“Fair enough.”

Deidara walked away, around the corner and out of sight with his dog. Taki was getting old, and Deidara had to walk a bit slower these days so he could keep up with him. With that, Kakuzu thought about reading his book before bed, but decided against it.

Where was Hidan? Again, it wasn’t like Kakuzu cared. He could have given the $200.00 to Hidan to look after his dog while he went away to Sydney for a business trip. But he didn’t, because Hidan would have done it for free while Deidara and Sasori needed more bribing.

If he needed to get Hidan back to get rid of the ants, then he didn’t exactly know where to start.

***

Instead of going to bed, he took a trip down memory lane. Several years ago he met Hidan when he was dumping Shikaku Nara’s body, and at the same time Hidan was getting rid of Shikamaru Nara’s in a large cemetery just off the Barton Highway.

When he got to the cemetery he saw some discarded police tape hanging on a gate. If it was supposed to make him _not_ enter, it didn’t work because he walked straight in.

The reserved graves where he dumped the Nara body were starting to fill with headstones. This was because mostly older people were usually the ones who reserved them.

Kakuzu’s heart sank when he saw more police tape around the area where his grave was supposed to be.

Looking around to see if there were any police officers around, (there wasn’t), it was mostly people ignoring the crime scene but only merely visiting before sundown.

He peered in, going under the police tape, which was mostly broken down anyway, to find a big, big hole where the two bodies of the Naras were supposed to be.

 


	2. The Riverbed

**This episode is brought to you by my sunburn. I went outside for less than a minute and got burnt. At 9am.**

Hidan must have gotten dead feet - moved the Nara bodies, even though there was no fucking evidence they were there. It was the only thing that would have made sense of the situation. Kakuzu peered down, remembering how it took him all night to dig this hole and then Hidan went and put a body in it without effort on his behalf. 

But - there was no  _ evidence  _ the bodies had been here. He knew this because it was in the book about the Nara murders that was from a few years ago. Kakuzu had only just got round to reading the book he’d borrowed from the library - it was very boring, long and according to eyewitnesses Shikaku and Shikamaru had died from trying to escape through submarines off the west coast. 

“Looks like someone tried to dig in your reserved grave.” 

Kakuzu jumped and looked around at the familiar voices. Kisame and Itachi had appeared, wearing their blue uniforms and looking all high and mighty. “We were about to call you. It’s very strange, isn’t it?” Kisame gave Kakuzu a sharp grin.  

Kakuzu almost asked them if there were bodies in it, but decided against it. If Hidan had indeed taken the bodies, wouldn’t he have filled the dirt in? He managed to take every bone though. What an idiot. 

“I’m guessing someone picked the wrong grave and moved,” said Kakuzu smoothly. “I come here every so often to look at my grave, you see.” 

“Hmm,” said Itachi, looking at Kakuzu if he could read his mind.  _ Please tell us more. _ Kakuzu hesitated. 

“I had a cancer scare some years ago.” 

“Oh?” said Kisame, eyebrows going up. “So sorry.” 

“Yes…” Kakuzu was trying to think of a lie without giving it away. “Forty five degree heat on christmas day, I developed a mole and cut it out myself. I thought I would die. But I didn’t. That’s why - that’s why I have a reserved grave.” 

***

That night, Kakuzu had a dream. He was driving along the highway where him and Hidan went to the cemetery in the outback. 

On the lonely, mostly empty highway near the turnoff to the cemetery, he was standing alone, in the middle of the road, with no one else in sight. It was a big country. Kakuzu knew, in his dream, if he had started walking, it would be days before someone would have seen him. 

He blinked, and a large deer appeared in front of him. It’s antlers were huge, its brown gray fur covered in dust. 

It’s eyes blinked at him, and Kakuzu went closer. And closer. 

Looking into its eyes, they were black, and until further inspection he could see the lines of the symbol of Hidan’s God, the circle and the triangle. 

***

Kakuzu woke up, jerking himself awake. He  _ knew  _ were Hidan was. It was dark outside still, and he got out of bed, putting on an old dark blue singlet. It was going to be a very long day. 

***

It had taken hours to get to the cemetery. He’d been there so many times with Hidan he knew his way without a GPS. The other cars on the road had slowly diminished, leaving Kakuzu the only person for kilometres as he drove on, not paying attention to the speed limit. 

He was already imagining what would happen when he got to the cemetery, with its washed out graves and hard as rock dirt with the one or two withering gum trees, and the smell of a mix of dust and eucalyptus. 

Kakuzu figured Hidan must have tripped over and fell asleep in a grave or something, and forgot to wake up. Or had been wandering the outback for months dehydrated. 

His ute had approached an intersection with a road train; it was over a kilometre long, filled to the brim with iron ore. 

It took a long time to pass, and when it did, there was something on the road behind it. An arm. 

Kakuzu turned his ute off, as there was no one in the area to get him to bother to park it. The last of the train went away in the distance around a corner covered in burnt river gums and a dried up creek bed. 

The long droughts had sucked the river nearby dry for years; the arm was pointed towards it. It had nail polish on; dark green. Hidan often painted his nails that colour as it was part of living in a house with two other psychopaths. 

The hand was flicking, but he realised there were flies on it, trying to make them get off him. Kakuzu looked over at the riverbank and it gave him a thumbs up. He picked it up and took it back into the cab. 

Kakuzu was going to park by the riverbank but realised it hadn’t rained for a long time so he slid down and into the river instead, its tyres crunching bark and leaves. The arm tapped his knee and pointed north. 

In the middle of the dried riverbed was a deer. It was similar to the one in his dream. He couldn’t really remember the details of it, because as soon as he woke up he knew he had to drive out here. 

Kakuzu looked down at the arm again who was pointed the middle finger at it. 

“Am I supposed to go to the random deer that seems to be here?” The hand did a thumbs up. 

Before getting out the ute again, Kakuzu checked the temperature; 49.8’C. He didn’t bring a hat with him or anything. He’d expected to find Hidan whinging on the side of a fucking road, not have to find body parts in a country so big and empty with a severed arm that was acting as a GPS tracker. 

The deer, like any other deer out there, ran for it as Kakuzu approached, jumping over a bone as it ran through the blackened trees and away from him. 

Already feeling as though he should have brought sunscreen for being outside for more than two fucking minutes, he went over to the rock to find a white bone. 

It was the skeleton of Shikamaru Nara, wearing the same clothes from when he died several years ago. He knew roughly what the clothes were as he saw them in the moonlight the night he’d met Hidan. 

Kakuzu looked around for footprints, only seeing snake tracks and his own. It was possible he was in snake territory - he thought of Orochimaru for some reason. But he was confused - Hidan’s arm was here, Nara was here. And now potential snakes which could kill him as he didn’t bring his phone if he had to call for help after being bitten. 

He’d have to watch where he was going. 

The hand tapped his arm, pointing several metres away behind Nara, where there was a pit which went several metres down. He into it, nearly falling over and that’s when he saw them. 

All the bodies Hidan had killed over the years, the ones he had sacrificed to Lord Jashin. 

He knew of a rough estimate number from Hidan’s perspective, but didn’t realise the amount. He looked down at the nearest skeleton. A mere child. Another was a woman with a skeleton of a fetus near her. Most of them were full grown adults; piled around the large riverbed pit as if they’d been discarded from humanity. 

They weren’t that far from the cemetery, where most of these bodies would have come from. 

The deer, on the other side of the pit, stared him down, and Kakuzu nearly tripped on another of Hidan’s arms. 

Scattered around the skeletons of the men, women and children were the fresh body parts of Hidan, who could not burn in nearly fifty degree weather, which was as pale as he usually was. The arm he was holding was doing a little happy dance with its fingers. 

_ But where was the head _ ? 

Kakuzu couldn’t see it anywhere. 

He gathered up the feet, legs, arms and the naked torso, which was covered in sand. He put them under the nearest shade he could find, on top of a saltbush with a pathetic burnt tree with no leaves. Kakuzu arranged the parts so it was decapitated, almost complete corpse. Sweat trickled down his neck , and he wished he’d brought more water with him. 

“Where’s your head?” He said to the body. 

It didn’t answer him, just limpless in the frying sun. One of the hands pointed again and he turned. 

_ For fuck’s sake.  _

That was when he saw the deer again, staring down a few metres away from the pit of skeletons. It was another hole it seemed, and he was getting further away from his ute. 

Kakuzu went over, forgetting to bring the rest of the body parts with him. He saw a strand of hair, shining in the dirt. He didn’t look the deer in the eyes; the only sound he could hear was the hooves moving, and the occasionally gumnut falling down into leaves. 

Hidan’s head was under here. 

He started digging. 

Kakuzu’s hands blistered, his fingers burning. It was painful; and he got back up and got his water out the ute which was around a hundred metres away. 

The water sizzled a little as it hit the ground, mixing with the red dirt and changing into mud. 

“You could at least help,” he said grudgingly to the deer who tried to nibble on his hair. 

Going through the mud, he heard a muffle. 

“Hidan?” 

“Mmmph!” 

He pulled him out by his head, heavy from the dirt caked on it. 

“I’ve been here fucking months!” Hidan said coarsely, his mouth spitting out dry dust. Kakuzu grabbed the water bottle and shoved it in his mouth. Hidan spat it out. “Tastes like mud.” 

“Spit out the mud then.” Kakuzu flicked it off his skin and got up. He looked around. “Where did the deer go?” 

“What deer?” 

“There was - ...never mind.” Kakuzu didn’t know if he was hallucinating till he saw the hoofprints. “It’s gone. It was here.” 

Hidan blinked out red dust from his pink eyes. “Lord Jashin has his strange ways. Deer are supposed to be his worst enemy.” 

Kakuzu carried him back to the car, glad to be getting out of the heat. He looked down at his shoes to find they were getting sticky. 

Melting. 

“Do we take the zombies with us?” Hidan asked him, as Kakuzu put him on the dashboard. He started up the ute and put the air conditioner on. It was a relief to feel cold air.

“You mean the skeletons?” 

“Oh. They’re dead. They were like, zombies.” 

Kakuzu had many questions and didn’t know where to start.  _ Skeletons? He’d been away for months. Everyone he’d killed had gathered in this greek? How did he get cut up? _

“They were dead in the first place.” He gave Hidan another sip of water. Not too much, because they were a long way away from the nearest Roadhouse which would have water and Kakuzu would rather he’d have that to himself. 

“In September Lord Jashin told me the people I had sacrificed were not dead. Their bodies were sacrificed, and he had his souls. However he told me he was going on holiday and transferring the souls back in temporarily.” 

“Holiday?” 

“Yes,” said Hidan. “He was going to Paris. Lord Jashin went to Paris.” 

“Your stupid God went on  _ holiday _ , so he put the souls of everyone you’d killed back in their corpses?” 

It was the most stupidest thing he’d ever heard. 

Hidan’s head glared at him. “Look, it doesn’t fucking matter - all I knew was they were going to move. I took the Naras - stole a car. Shikaku didn’t rise back to life because you killed him so I threw him on the side of the road somewhere, bone by bone. But Shikamaru is fucking smart. He tried to strangle me, and bones are  _ strong _ . I crashed into this creek, and the car rolled over. When I woke all these skeletons were here - they must have started walking from our cemetery. There was at least sixty bodies. And some of them were yours.” 

Kakuzu raised his eyebrows. “How are some of them mine?” 

“Lord Jashin recongises our stupid marriage - you’re a Jashinist too. Everything you’ve done after marrying me is now seen in His eyes. You’re married into it now, no going back.”

Kakuzu wanted to throw Hidan back out into the riverbed. 

“Anyway, the car rolled around here,” Hidan’s eyes looked towards the trees, where a snake slithered out and went around some rocks. “The skeleton of Shikamaru used the parts of the car to blow me up - the skeletons covered the car so I couldn’t get out.” 

“What the fuck?” 

“There was petrol left in the car and they set it on fire. They’d rolled it back up, blew me apart and I’ve been here ever since. Anyway, I pretended to be dead so they wouldn’t try and attack me again. They buried my skull, The car burnt out and set everything around here on fire. By the time it was nightfall, when Lord Jashin came back from holiday, they all died again, their souls reuniting with my Lord.” 

There was a moment's pause. Kakuzu couldn’t  _ quite  _ understand what was going on, but in the years he knew Hidan, he didn’t bother to expect an answer that made sense from Hidan. 

“How did you find me, anyway?” 

Kakuzu didn’t want to tell him he had a stupid dream about a deer. “Deidara told me you need to clean up your room.” 

Hidan sighed. “Suppose I’m missing a few weeks rental payments too.” 

“Few weeks? It’s  _ nearly Christmas _ .” 

Hidan paused. “Shit. Merry Christmas then.”  

It was then Kakuzu looked out the window, and to his surprise, the sky was starting to darken. Rain Clouds. In a place that obviously hadn’t had rain for  _ years _ . 

“I think we better move.” Hidan said. 

This was probably the most common sense Hidan had ever said, because within a few moments, it started to pour. It evaporated in the heat of the bonnet, leaving it almost untouched. He pulled into gear and out of the riverbed, leaving a large dirt track behind him. 

“Sign from God.” Hidan said. Kakuzu  reversed as hard as he could, going over a few dead tree stumps. “It’ll flood soon.” There was a pause, and a sudden shriek. 

“DAMNIT, KAKUZU! YOU FORGOT THE REST OF MY BODY!” 

 

**END**


End file.
